Oh, Darling

He was smoke

He entered my lungs

He suffocated me 

He surrounded me

And I couldn't catch him

Slipping through the cracks in my fingers

I could never hold him

I could never erase him

Lingering everywhere

My lungs are heavier now

eating me alive

aching 

aching 

aching

aching

aching

My fingers tremble now

So I leave them in fists

And I clench my jaw

Hoping that I can leave him in the past

I thought he was mine

But he was smoke

He was dust

He was ash

He was embers

He burned me alive

This Is The Best I Can Do

Dear dad,
Today you walked a sleepy posture out to meet me and I told your sunken eyes that I love you
But you have long forgotten the year I was born and I'm far from 7 years old
And so many nights I've wished we never changed
That you still kept you age and happiness
That I still kept my smile and ignorance

Yet here we are, drifting
Held together by fraying worn out strings and empty words
Yet they still crack my bones
All my foundations crumbled years ago
And I'm so tired of working with the rubble
But I've never walked away from you

Maybe it's the fading memories talking
But I swear you were different once
And I promise I still have your eyes
Even if yours look past me
I know I'm hollow but I'm not invisible

I looked up to you once as if you were my dreams
Encased in your heartbeat and rough hands
Now I stare at your chest and nothing more
And I spend my nights battling with the sting behind my eyes





I know one day my scars will fade into my skin
And I'll forget them, along with all the words you threw at me
But I won't forget your laugh
Or all your t shirts I used to wear

The truth is dad, I miss you
But you have long forgotten the year I was born
And I am far from 7 years old

My Heart Is Numb

"I love you"

That's how my life crumbled

Letters To The Almost Lovers

To the one with freckles,
Do you remember the airport? I stood there, losing salty tears to your cold bones, and your sleepy arms hugged me. But your honey lips didn't kiss me goodbye and your malicious blue eyes didn't watch me walk away. "Don't forget me." I whispered, "I won't." you replied. But you did. Three years, two months, twenty-two days and not a single word muttered between the 2,036 miles between us. Now you've given your heart to her and I'm sure she doesn't know my name. He doesn't know yours, he doesn't know how much I loved you and how much I bury you away. How much I can't stand thinking about your eyes. Eyes that left my lungs aching and heart flooding, kisses that knocked me to the floor, dizzy and sick, but I'd lean in for another. And I'm not asking if you love her (you do), I'm just asking if you ever think about us, and if you ever think it was worth it.




 To the one that knows,
Please, please, please cut these strings. They aren't connected to my fingers, I remember you all too well anyway. They're connected to my heart, they tug and heave and yank and pull leaving more cracks and bruises than I can bear. I jerk them back, but you never, ever let go. Because you know it belongs to you, you know I'd hand it over if you asked, and I know you would mend it if you wanted to. Instead, I just remain you're "maybe" girl. Not because I'm nice or pretty or laugh at all your jokes, but because you want to give your heart to me, too. Just not yet. So I wait and I let you pull me along, because you're scared too, you're scared that if you snip me free then you'll never get me to fall for you again. But I have loved you no matter what.
















And Finally,
To the wanderer,
I think you are confused. You are only a poison to me, injected into every cell and bloodstream in my body. And though you are destroying me, you are the most beautiful poison I've ever had. And sometimes I loosen all the ropes and hope the bridge will fall, but I always run across it before it does. Into your binding grip and persuasive words that drown my senses and revive my naivety. I'm fooled again, and I let your hand stay in mine again and again and again. I love you, but I can never be what you want me to be, and I can never stay content in this cage. You can't come and go as you please and expect me to remain woundless. Though I never get enough of the way you love me, so I always stay. I will always somehow be yours no matter how loud I scream for you to withdraw. I love you. I love you, forever.

Was I Too Lost To Rescue?

There is something about those damn blue eyes that I can't get over. "They're just blue." He tells me, but I see so much more. If I could count the times I've apologized, I'd hold the night sky in my hands, but even the stars boil down to nothing when it's too late to wish upon them. "I love you." I whisper, but it only hangs in the air, without ever reaching him.





My entire atmosphere stays that way, holding the words that won't ever reach more than ten feet. I won't deliver them because nothing has changed. I'm sitting here digging my grave and not sure why I keep pushing the shovel in the dirt.

I'm sorry, again.
I love you dearly.
Forget me.

She Could Have Burned A Hole In The Sky

I'm an open flame, sending sparks to the stars. I don't live at the campgrounds, but no one's calling the department because it's been raining for nearly a year. Pouring. Brilliant blues fade to warm yellows as cold bullets fall from the clouds. I was never meant to be this rebellious, without the boundaries of stones. Defining. The rain pours harder to confine, to control. Dampening the paths I begged so desperately to illuminate. The rain holds me back, reminding me to stay where it can reach so I don't burn anything too precious.

I think I'm beautiful, but honestly, I'm destructive. I only wish to breathe without turning something into dust. I'm tired of consuming things the way I have consumed myself, engulfed in flames. I'm self destructing and running out of fuel. Burning at both ends, but the rain is relentless.

I'll be ash and not even lightning will spark me. 

How To Wake Up

It's a day to day routine and although you forgot to eat breakfast this morning, you're just running through the motions.
Taking a new route to school is not the same as skipping it to go remember who you are.
And yes, education is important, but so is discovering your dreams.
You sigh at break of dawn because over the past year, you can't recall anything different.
The clock still ticks it's taunting seconds and there is still dust gathering on the mantle.
And all this time you don't feel the butterflies breaking free from the cocoons at your ribs.
Begging you to do something more.
So wake up.
Stop looking for the right brand of 2% milk so you can serve cereal at 6:47 (since you're always  running late.)
And listen to the whispers in the cracks of your heart, before it breaks.

Broken Ribs

 I wonder if the sky loves the rain so much, it hurts it let it fall.

Stability Is Not Sanity

"I'd rather have you miserable with me than happy with another guy."
"But why?"
"Because I'm a selfish bastard and I'm happy with it."

The insanity of excuses, and I could make a million for the days I didn't call. Except the one printed on to my fingertips, it's been dialed so many times. Everyone sees but no one speaks because all the flutters out of my mouth is excuses.

And it was never the thorns that cut me, it was the petals that reminded me.

I've never been here, but hold on to how it felt when I entered. Is there anything better than the illusion of perfection? Or do I fall in love with it because that's what they were?

Let me tell you the truth, I'm not pleading for any escapes. Pounding at the walls and screaming until my voice goes out was never my forte. I bite my tongue at my words because they are knives I am not prepared to use. I've seen them cut before and I still try to tend the wounds, wincing at the sight of them.

But there is a war within me, I know I've been fooled, I've been wasting away, wandering down this path too long. I love those eyes though, and the way I laugh at the words that flow from his lips. I love his hands, and the way they feel against mine. The honest question to ask, is do I know better than to stay?

"If you hate me so much why do you stay?"
"Maybe because I love you and hate it admit it."

The River Can Wash Me Away

Loosen the knots, and take your time, I know you're not a sailor. But you're sure and that's a start, these ties were never meant to stay. Each strand threaded with the days we've spent together, but the matches are waiting in their perfectly fitting box. Get to the other side, love. Here's the gasoline, pour it behind you.

You look at me one more time before the crossing and I see in those storming eyes that this is no mistake, but you take me in and kiss me anyway. A kiss that tastes like summer nights and desperation. But the moment is gone before I even open my eyes, and you're staring at me from across the gap.

Match is lit and set against the rope, it burns and cracks and sizzles. It sends sparks to the sky that disappear before me and as I look for you, you're gone. The smoke fills my lungs, but I'm used to the smell. The bridge falls, and I jump with it.

The Glasses Are Piling Up

His laughter reeks of sunlight and honeydew, eyes the color of adventure, and voice like redwood after the rain. His love is like tequila, and she craves every drop.

We Don't Have The Imagination To Play Outside Anymore

Cloudy Days Are The Good Days

Summer happened twice before he dared to voice feelings he hoped I'd dig up on my own. How could I? All my shovels are rusting in the garage. I don't go digging anymore because I'm always expecting poudretteite and end up with diamonds. He's worried he'll vanish, but how could I forget those eyes?And though his fingers were never meant to fit in mine, I hold his hand.

He's perfect for all the wrong reasons.Strength was never known to be so solid inside a tattered soul.

He's determined to shine, but little does he know the world around him is growing dim and collecting dust. The doors are closing and the keys hang on necklaces found in trinket shops. And though he won't say, he knows his heart is becoming an abandoned house with rickety stairs and boarded windows. Even the sun is reluctant to shine where hope is losing it's army.

But the stars remind him he can tear down the walls and walk away from the desolate town the freeway no longer has an exit for.

Three autumns passed before I told him I'd trade his world for mine if it could make him smile a little longer. I haven't heard him laugh for months but I've heard his words cry. And I'd like to be the sunlight that brings that back, but thirty minutes in the car is starting to feel worlds away.

Laughing At All The Right Lines

Our smiles faded in the rain

Looking back doesn't tell the future

Loving is not a simple task

Your laughter tastes like the universe

I get carried away from you

We swept the floor while daydreaming

Beneath the sky of endless dreams

Dewy trees and a mossy hammock

Little bit humble, little bit cautious

Light up the streets with sparks

Shy eyes meet an outgoing smile

I never really got over you

Words Spill Like Gasoline

Shattered, delicate fragments of memories were tossed in the pit and lit, they became ash in less than a minute, and every dragging second begged me to throw my heart in too.

Writing In Flat Tones

My inspiration has taken a scoop and hollowed me out

I haven't slept in days for missing it

I haven't had a dream

My inspiration was fooling me

And now I'm stuck in reality

A ditch of disappointing regret, scratching at my hope with every attempt to get out

My inspiration is miles away

Whispering loose fragments of lies into the wind for someone to catch with a butterfly net

But my pleads to be rescued are heard only by the walls

My inspiration is taunting me

Sending me love notes while I remain trapped

I won't sob at his words

Because inspiration left me

His Name Is Guarded, Her's Is Naive

He has the grand total of 53 sunny days in a year

She has rainstorms only after he's gone

He never told her he loves her

She has twelve freckles surrounding her collar bones, and you can see his heart in all of them

He has a temper that starts wildfires

She breathes in the flames to allow the destruction within her

Her name is written all over the walls

His is engraved into her heart

He shuts her out so he'll never know what it's like to lose her

She's too stubborn to ever give up on him

He kisses her while she sleeps so she doesn't know he's caving

She'll never leave, though all the rainy days are killing her

Wasting Away On Hollow Words

Tangled and fighting to stay awake because the fingertips along my spine are telling me it's okay to drift.

I must have.

Their spark is gone and all I have is the dim poison they left in my blood, undeniably toxic but not lethal. 

Don't torment yourself dearest, I'll survive your warm eyes and chapped lips grazing at my jaw line and ready to strike. My resistant limbs are hanging by strings and you're just putting on a show. Stuffed and bursting at the seams because I can't even choke out that I'm the one in control, but you're holding the scissors to cut me down. I don't care how high you have me off the stage, let me fall like the pennies I threw in the wells, all with the wish to forget you.

Magic failed me as much as your words, hollow and flat, used as often on me as the others perfecting their lipstick they hope to waste on your cheek. All so they can have a sip of the elixir my lungs are drowning in. So intoxicating it's suffocating and no matter how many apples I take a bite out of, I still don't find the one that slowly numbs and all at once takes away.

Trapped and begging for sleep because the shackles on my wrists are telling me I have to escape before I wither.
I must have.

Divided and Undecided

Who are you today? Heads or Tails?
Tails again, of course. The fickle side of a heavily biased coin,
And regardless of how many times I can toss it in a day, it endlessly lands on Tails.

Again.




And again.





And again.



I almost become tired of the echoing clink it makes as it clashes with the table,
But I just keep tossing, hoping for even the slightest glance at the other side.
Do I remember what it looks like? Toss.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Tails, should have known. Enough. You scream at me, the edges wearing thin. You think you're the one mistreated? Think again. All I ever get is the dark, faded, relentless Tails. Slamming against my heart the same way it does to the mahogany.

Is it courage or cowardice that tempts me to slide the coin away into my pocket and endure the burning reminder of Tails instead of leaving it to sit there and never pick it up again? Sometimes I hope you'll fall out and roll away so blame doesn't come looking for me. Then I could search for my escape, while you believe it was all your idea.

Just one more toss before you go.

You're Still Here Somehow

I thought I heard you the other day.

I didn't, because you're not here.

But if I close my eyes, I can still remember the details,

A creaky wooden chair with a country blue cushion facing the sliding glass door,

the glass is open, but the screen remains.

You're black shoes rest beneath the kitchen table,

I'm surprised they never left an imprint in the carpet there.

Thick, round glasses cover your milky eyes, 

matched with a smile that only deepens your wrinkles.

You used to sit down and pull out a cigarette,

Ashtray patiently waiting at your right, 

You would blow the smoke through the screen,

To the porch in the back,

The paint was peeling, but the garden was more important anyway.

Next was the crisp crack of a new beer can,

You're day wasn't complete without one,

And it leaves a hole to not see you with one

And it leaves a hole to not see you.