Saturday, May 23, 2015

Oh, Darling

He was smoke
He entered my lungs
He suffocated me 
He surrounded me
And I couldn't catch him

Slipping through the cracks in my fingers
I could never hold him
I could never erase him
Lingering everywhere

My lungs are heavier now
eating me alive

My fingers tremble now
So I leave them in fists
And I clench my jaw
Hoping that I can leave him in the past

I thought he was mine
But he was smoke
He was dust
He was ash
He was embers

He burned me alive

Saturday, March 29, 2014

This Is The Best I Can Do

Dear dad,
Today you walked a sleepy posture out to meet me and I told your sunken eyes that I love you
But you have long forgotten the year I was born and I'm far from 7 years old
And so many nights I've wished we never changed
That you still kept you age and happiness
That I still kept my smile and ignorance

Yet here we are, drifting
Held together by fraying worn out strings and empty words
Yet they still crack my bones
All my foundations crumbled years ago
And I'm so tired of working with the rubble
But I've never walked away from you

Maybe it's the fading memories talking
But I swear you were different once
And I promise I still have your eyes
Even if yours look past me
I know I'm hollow but I'm not invisible

I looked up to you once as if you were my dreams
Encased in your heartbeat and rough hands
Now I stare at your chest and nothing more
And I spend my nights battling with the sting behind my eyes

I know one day my scars will fade into my skin
And I'll forget them, along with all the words you threw at me
But I won't forget your laugh
Or all your t shirts I used to wear

The truth is dad, I miss you
But you have long forgotten the year I was born
And I am far from 7 years old

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Letters To The Almost Lovers

To the one with freckles,
Do you remember the airport? I stood there, losing salty tears to your cold bones, and your sleepy arms hugged me. But your honey lips didn't kiss me goodbye and your malicious blue eyes didn't watch me walk away. "Don't forget me." I whispered, "I won't." you replied. But you did. Three years, two months, twenty-two days and not a single word muttered between the 2,036 miles between us. Now you've given your heart to her and I'm sure she doesn't know my name. He doesn't know yours, he doesn't know how much I loved you and how much I bury you away. How much I can't stand thinking about your eyes. Eyes that left my lungs aching and heart flooding, kisses that knocked me to the floor, dizzy and sick, but I'd lean in for another. And I'm not asking if you love her (you do), I'm just asking if you ever think about us, and if you ever think it was worth it.

 To the one that knows,
Please, please, please cut these strings. They aren't connected to my fingers, I remember you all too well anyway. They're connected to my heart, they tug and heave and yank and pull leaving more cracks and bruises than I can bear. I jerk them back, but you never, ever let go. Because you know it belongs to you, you know I'd hand it over if you asked, and I know you would mend it if you wanted to. Instead, I just remain you're "maybe" girl. Not because I'm nice or pretty or laugh at all your jokes, but because you want to give your heart to me, too. Just not yet. So I wait and I let you pull me along, because you're scared too, you're scared that if you snip me free then you'll never get me to fall for you again. But I have loved you no matter what.

And Finally,
To the wanderer,
I think you are confused. You are only a poison to me, injected into every cell and bloodstream in my body. And though you are destroying me, you are the most beautiful poison I've ever had. And sometimes I loosen all the ropes and hope the bridge will fall, but I always run across it before it does. Into your binding grip and persuasive words that drown my senses and revive my naivety. I'm fooled again, and I let your hand stay in mine again and again and again. I love you, but I can never be what you want me to be, and I can never stay content in this cage. You can't come and go as you please and expect me to remain woundless. Though I never get enough of the way you love me, so I always stay. I will always somehow be yours no matter how loud I scream for you to withdraw. I love you. I love you, forever.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Was I Too Lost To Rescue?

There is something about those damn blue eyes that I can't get over. "They're just blue." He tells me, but I see so much more. If I could count the times I've apologized, I'd hold the night sky in my hands, but even the stars boil down to nothing when it's too late to wish upon them. "I love you." I whisper, but it only hangs in the air, without ever reaching him.

My entire atmosphere stays that way, holding the words that won't ever reach more than ten feet. I won't deliver them because nothing has changed. I'm sitting here digging my grave and not sure why I keep pushing the shovel in the dirt.

I'm sorry, again.
I love you dearly.
Forget me.