Keep Me Grounded

I remember I met you once.. Do you recall the little girl with long knotted hair and fierce innocence? I screamed in your face and you merely looked away, perhaps you're used to this.

After silence finally fell, you knelt down and told me I would be too fragile when it came the time I wanted to meet again and far too unfinished now. That we could see each other after I was whole and happy, after I would decide that I'd rather stay and never see you again.

You kissed my hand and pushed me away and I woke up with burning tears.

Let me tell you, this is not about living eternally after living devastatingly.

I am broken and hollow, but I am not weightless. So keep me grounded, I fear I might be fading away. The time has passed when I wanted to meet again so I don't know why I feel like you'll be visiting. Maybe to remind me that I don't want you anymore, but that I'm still not the picture you painted me to be to fall into your ever so welcoming arms. I still cry myself to sleep and I'm still missing the pieces that are slowly dimming, even in my memories.

The last I saw you, you wouldn't even look me in the eyes, were you ashamed? Were you feeling sorry? I don't believe you. You thought time was failing him, but did I even cross your mind as you snatched him up and carried him away. Did I even say goodbye? I'm still too bitter to know. I feel like screaming in your scornful face again, but I know you hear it all too often to recognize my anger above the others'.

Go ahead, pick me up and hold me close while I cry and kick and struggle my way out of your grip. I don't want you, don't you see that? Don't you see what you've done to me? I'm broken and hollow and becoming so weightless that it wouldn't matter if I faded away. I'm losing my grip on the ground and your heart is breaking while you watch it happen. "Hush darling," you tell me, "You'll be okay. You're not ready. I remember what I told you, but you can't keep waiting." I have no answer for you.

But I can tell you this, I can pick myself up without you. I don't need you to remind me how to live. Or how to stop living, really. I still cry myself to sleep and I still feel your kiss on my hand. I think of it and become heavy again, I feel almost whole. I don't want you. I never did, even when you told me how beautiful I am and brushed out the knots in my hair. Or when you whispered you were sorry. And definitely not when you wiped the tears from my face. So leave, and never come back. I don't want this.